You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize