I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
