i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
