The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
