how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
