yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
