I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
