Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
