She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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