What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
