Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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