I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
this hospital has no fireball
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Randomize
