No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
