My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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