Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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