I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
