By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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