textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
