umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Couch. On fire.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
