I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
