Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
