I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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