i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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