I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
