His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
