my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
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