my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
His nipple licking is glorious
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