ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
