More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
