I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
