I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
