After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
