I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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