I faked an abortion last night.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
