Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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