I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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