Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
