I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It's official drugs can't kill me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
