You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Pooping to opera.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
