Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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