mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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