In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
tell me about the eggs
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
