just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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