Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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