I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Randomize
