My liver just broke up with me...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
