I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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