I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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