Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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