cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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