i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
