He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
