Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
