I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
