my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
